oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
