I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
