Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
