Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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