When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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