I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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