what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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