watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
