exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
