the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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