FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
