i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
