I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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