I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
from now on my penis is your penis
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
