I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
