im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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