We named our party play list daddy issues
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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