I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
