I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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