dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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