id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
