she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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