Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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