the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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