you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
