I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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