I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
