If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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