And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
