are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
