how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
