The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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