Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
