i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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