she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
