How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
