They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
