Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
