I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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