Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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