i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Everyone says I win the strip club
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
