Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
