I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
