well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
