she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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