Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
