no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
