Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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