I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Naked. naked and bneed help.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
