he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
